Synopses is the plural of synopsis, in case you were wondering. Read downwards (while reading left to right) if you’re interested in how badly a blogger can fail when imagining the plot of a romantic drama film.

1. Beaches of Venice

A man is the last guest of a Venetian restaurant before closing time, alone with a demure but cute waitress. Despite her usual avoidance of being friendly with customers, she finds herself chatting happily with this debonair crooked-nosed man. Then the man’s head explodes and strings of his brain end up in her hair. She requires a long time cleaning it out, all the while convincing herself it is pasta sauce.

2. Blame It On My Youth

A 9-year-old girl falls in love with Santa. She imagines marrying him, keeping the elves producing and being called Mrs. Clause. When she goes to meet Santa at her shopping centre, she brings him a Thermos of hot chocolate that she made herself and tells him that she thinks he needs a younger, sprightlier Mrs Clause. Santa replies that she would make an excellent Mrs Clause and is subsequently taken away by security. Then his head explodes and all the kids cry. Except for the girl. She stares, frozen in incomprehension.

3. Against The Stream

A happy couple drifts off into the open sea with their small sailing boat, having at no point had any clue how to sail. They are unable to make it to land or contact anyone, and we see a truly gripping dynamic develop between the couple as they explore the good and the bad of their relationship among the ever worsening conditions in which they struggle to survive, without the story at any point going overboard with insincere melodrama. Then the man’s head explodes. The woman is saved days later, with an enormous appetite for mint cake and potatoes with guacamole.

4. Featureless

A guy with the job of changing the film reels in a cinema watches from the projector booth how the same woman watches the same unpopular film over and over again for days, often without hardly or any other viewers. He never catches her face, though. Then one night the woman is back and there are no other patrons. He decides not to play the reel at all. After a few minutes of pure cinematic tension, the woman looks up at the projector booth. The guy’s head explodes all over the booth window. The woman successfully reclaims the ticket price.

5. Soddin’ Cows, They Don’t Know Left From Right

Two cows bump into each other. Their eyes meet and lesbian intra-cow love awakens, while the farmer watches. Then his head explodes. It is all very alarming.