Janus Schmeisser kept a vigilant eye on his dog, whom he suspected to be in cahoots with the Falangists. Janus was a 48-year-old native German, Dutch resident, and believed he was living in Civil War-era Spain.

Two of his phones rang. Janus picked one up and muttered in his native language:
- Ja, wass denn?
- Good morning, mister Schmeisser. I’m calling to tell you everything.

Meanwhile, in the park behind his residence, a warren of rabbits were deliberating. They intended to write a law so long-winded and prosy that no-one could ever finish reading it in their lifetime. The rabbit rulers would then be able to use their own judgement in any situation they wished by referring to this law that no-one could possibly understand. Two thousand civil bunny servants were put to work. They weren’t allowed fresh air, as this would benefit the clarity of the document too much. The rabbits lived off carrots and lettuce, and only the rattling of typewriters was heard.

- Tell me what? What do you have to tell me?
- You are mister Janus Schmeisser, German resident of Rotterdam. Your PIN is 8864, which you’ve forgotten twice in your life despite the obvious mnemonic. You stole candy from the local candy store when you were a boy in Bonn, but didn’t like the candy and threw it away. You’re about to hang up the phone and one of your ex-loves aborted a pregnancy you caused but didn’t know about. In the middle drawer of your desk are detailed designs for a new and improved generation of swimming pools. It’s unfortunate that you’ve never showed them to anyone, as a very similar design is now gaining popularity in Eastern Asia. You’re feeling a tad light-headed this very moment and have never admitted to yourself that you get intense pleasure from completing tax forms. You have no idea why you smoke joints in the bathtub, and you distrust people with moustaches because you feel they’re metaphorically hiding something. Now you will believe me when I say that an attractive woman at your work has fallen in love with you, but when you talk to her that will end. However, you must take care to befriend the man she will eventually marry, in which case you will start a very profitable dog-related business together. It will get you in trouble with the police, in a most gratifying way. You’re not sure how you’re feeling right now and I have told you everything. A good afternoon, mister Schmeisser.

There was a click and a thump. And there was lettuce.

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