7 Popular PC games of the last 65 months that actually sucked

Mr. Mackerel — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 12:51:32 +0000

These games are all immensely popular, highly rated and a fair amount of fun, but each and every one of them is also a spectacular shitbag of suck.

Mirror’s Edge

(2009, metacritic 81, user score 8.2, 1+ million copies sold)

Parkour does not translate well to the PC. Moments of fluid motion are rare, the game is plagued by linearity, and you cannot save when you want to. The game boils down to this: Press SPACE to jump onto red object. Another object turns red, press SPACE to jump on it. Another object turns red, press SPACE to jump on it. Now press A. Oops, you fell. Back to the start. All this game has going for it is providing something not seen before.

Grand Theft Auto IV

(2008, metacritic 90, user score 4.5, 6+ million copies sold)

Despite the tremendous achievement of a credible open world, GTA IV makes the one mistake that turned people off real life and onto games in the first place: no checkpoint saves. One mistake during a mission and it’s over. You have to do it all over again from the beginning. And again. And perhaps again. And perhaps a few more times, until you seethe with such unbearable hatred for the game that you poke yourself in the eye just to feel human again.

Additionally, being a console-to-PC port, the controls are clunky. Not much realism is left when you run into the side of a door, then run into the other side of the door, then walk away from the door and try to align yourself perfectly with the door so that you may finally manage to actually walk through it.

Bioshock

(2007, metacritic 96, user score 8.1, 1+ million copies sold)

Appealing steampunk atmosphere, but terrible combat gameplay and a not very riveting story.

Empire: Total War

(2009, metacritic 90, user score 6.7, unknown number of copies sold)

Amazing in scope and heritage, the most recent Total War game was not fit for release (by anyone’s standards) when it came out. It took over 6 months before the game became at all playable and to this day has gameplay issues, glitches and missing or botched features such as multiplayer campaign, diplomacy and AI. Missing content has been provided in the form of DLC, which you’ll have to pay for.

Civilization IV

(2005, metacritic 94, user score 7.6, 3+ million copies sold)

It almost feels like child abuse to speak ill of the fourth edition of Civilization. I love a new Civilization title for the mere fact of it existing, but it makes it on the suck list for being all look and no feel. Civilization IV is Civilization III: the Disney edition. It’s pretty and charming, to appeal to newcomers to the series, but the cartoonish interface limits overview and there’s stunningly little appeal in the game itself. There’s little opportunity for strategy and tactics. Expect to spend 50 game turns creating large enough army stacks to defend yourself when declaring war on an enemy, by which time you’re bankrupt, have raced past the eras, and are just doing the chores on automatic pilot.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

(2009, metacritic 86, user score 2.3, 4.7 million copies sold on first day)

No complaints about the multiplayer experience, which is what this game is all about. The single player campaign is short and ridiculous. The highlight is a bit of ice climbing in the mountains. This felt immersive, looked great and was a nice change amidst all the running and shooting. Other than that, a pretty unremarkable game.

Doom 3

(2004, metacritic 87, user score 70, 3.5+ million copies sold)

Popular beyond what is reasonable. Unoriginal critter-killer which depended heavily on darkness to spring scripted surprises on you, to the point of parody. Did not remind of the original Doom games. I did play it to the end, because that’s just the kind of asshole I am.

The shared experience of single player games

Mr. Mackerel — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 13:44:03 +0000

We don’t often stop to think about the entire layer of shared experiences represented by video games. The shared experience of multiplayer games is obvious, and often talked about, but there is also another shared experience: the eerie notion that you’re finishing a game as a solitary player along with millions of others. Pressing the same buttons, reading the same dialog, seeing the same sights, fighting the same battles. Personally I find that notion interesting.

The original Half Life sold 8 million copies, which means that at least 8 million people have been employed at Black Mesa Research Facility as a theoretical physicist. None of the millions of players ever saw each other, or talked to each other, but they were all asked to assist in a not so theoretical experiment and for all players that experiment was a disaster. Each one of us followed the same route out of the building. Each one of us was startled by a headcrab jumping at us out of nowhere. Each one of us took in the sights of the Planet Xen on our hostile little trip there. With some people it’s perhaps the only memories you share.

In real life I’ve visited Rome as a tourist and at some point took a picture of the Colosseum from the same angle as thousands of others have undoubtedly done, but I’ve also besieged virtual Rome like millions of others. I’ve taken its walls with massive siege towers hoping for them not to catch fire, unloading early legionary cohorts on defenders belonging to a different Roman family until they routed to the city centre where they made a final stand alongside their general.

Obviously the more linear a game is, the more similar the experience. Every player has to complete the same succession of steps in the right order to progress in most graphic adventure games. Some other games, however, have different endings based on the decisions you make.

The most unique experience, I think, would be accomplished by a game that is both massively multi-player and very sandbox. But at that point it stops being a game and starts being a Second Life. In any case, there is no reason why the shared experience should be an issue. Books are too, as well as films and tv series. Games are just more of an experience in the sense that you’re an active actor in the story. That is why the aspect of determination is relevant. Let me create some more shared memories by following in your footsteps in SW:KOTOR or perhaps S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

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